


Never

by sweet_arsenic



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Galaxy Garrison, Minor Keith/Shiro (Voltron), Multi, One-Sided Attraction, Past Relationship(s), Sad Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-13 01:37:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12972870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweet_arsenic/pseuds/sweet_arsenic
Summary: They never kissed on that day in the desert.They never made love in a cheap hotel room.They never loved each other.To Shiro, that never happened. To Keith, it's all he ever thinks about.





	Never

The moment they landed in the castle, Keith ran out of his lion to check on Shiro. The moment he realized he wasn't coming back, he ran back inside it and opened the hangar. They had to chase him down with their own lions before he flew too far.

He wore himself out chasing nothing in particular out in space. Every movement he thought he saw was a clue and every sound he thought he heard was his voice. Everything was him, it had to be. It would kill Keith if it wasn't.

He spiraled into self-destruction. In his room. They had to drag him out of his lion to get him there. Otherwise he would've kept searching for him, would've kept looking for answers. Now he was lost. Shiro always helped him when he was lost. But Keith didn't know if he could still trust those words, the ones uttered to him over a year ago in Garrison.

He keeps having lapses in the past. It's been getting worse these days. Sometimes time would just blend and present and past would become one. Sometimes he'd wake up to the feeling of having Shiro on his side, embracing him, peppering his skin with kisses, making him feel like the luckiest man alive.

He hated it. He wished it would stop. He wished the illusion would stop coming to haunt him now because he's long accepted that it was only an illusion so he didn't need it to constantly come back and remind him. It kills him every day, to think about it.

Shiro would be smiling at him softly and full of love. He would be stroking Keith's hair and caressing his body. He never does that now.

No. Now, Shiro stands in front of him, smiles at him like a father, like a brother, like a mentor. He claps him on the back when he does good on missions. He gives him brief, reassuring hugs when he needed to express his feelings. It hurt Keith to think they used to do so much more before. It hurt Keith to think Shiro didn't remember.

No- wait. Then. Not now. Now would mean Shiro is gone and his lion is empty and everyone is expecting Keith to fly it. All these timelines were making his head hurt. He wished it was simpler.

Simpler like when they were still in Garrison. Simple meant shyly pressing his lips to Shiro's in-between classes and making sure no one saw them as they parted. Simple meant holding Shiro's hand underneath the library table and dropping by each others' dorms even after curfew just to spend more time together. Time. He was thinking about it again. The same way he thought about-

Shiro's lips. He wondered what changed about them. He wondered if he would ever get to feel them shyly pressing against his own in-between battles. It hurt him to think of what was happened, what could have been.

He wondered a lot about what changed in Shiro. When he came back with all these scars, Keith wondered when was the last time Shiro had a hand touch him gently on his marred skin, whisper him loving words. Keith wanted to be the one to do it. But this Shiro is guarded and less happy and less carefree. He is less of a person now and Keith wants so badly to help him.

Keith thinks he himself turned less of a person too. He thinks Shiro always had a part of him ever since they met. Then Shiro took that piece up Kerberos and he didn't come back until a year later. And when he did, Keith found out that he didn't take it back with him. A part of him that he gave Shiro has been lost in that vast vacuum and Keith has no means of reaching it, no means of knowing whether he'll ever be able to. But Shiro came back alive and that's all that ever mattered. Shiro came back alive and Keith didn't even care if a part of him died that day.

No one suspected. Maybe it was because no one knew. Back in Garrison, they always made sure to keep everything they had a secret. Shiro was still an officer and Keith was still a cadet, it was forbidden and Shiro could lose his job and all his credibility if they were ever found out.

In the ship, no one knows because Keith never cared about a lot of people back in Garrison. They all seemed to think their relationship was purely platonic.

The days following Shiro's disappearance blurred into one another. Keith's mind was too messed up to think straight and he couldn't keep track of the present. What is present... when was present?

Present was Shiro being gone and the team relying on Keith as the new leader. Present was playing all their comments about how he was unfit to lead in his head on repeat. Present was tearing himself apart looking for any signs of Shiro. Yeah... he needed to remind himself that.

Past was...

Past was difficult. The thing that happened between him and Shiro- was that the past? Was it something he made up, was it an illusion? He can't remember. Shiro can't remember either. He has no reason to think so because the feeling of familiar hands and lips on his body have long been forgotten and he has been questioning whether he dreamed it that familiarity all up by himself.

Lance thinks he's overreacting. He doesn't get it. Shiro is lost but Keith is still here. He is still here and alive and intact and it's wrong. Because Shiro's always been too kind for his own good, always been to good for Keith, and now he is suffering again. Shiro doesn't deserve to be lost in space, wandering all by himself, while Keith remains safe and is bestowed the privilege of piloting the Black Lion. Keith would give anything to have Shiro back in the castle, safe and warm. Even if it means switching places with him.

But they tell him constantly that they need him and Keith pretends he takes it to heart. But he knows what they need even when they don't. They need a paladin, and Keith’s tired of being one if it meant Shiro wasn't by his side.

When they find him again, he changes again. He does not touch Keith as much, rarely even speaks to him as a friend would to a friend, opting instead to speak to him as a teacher would to a student. Keith one day let's a tear slip out his eye and masks it for tears of joy, but he's never felt so heartbroken before.

But Shiro is home and safe and Keith is okay with that. Always has been okay with anything as long as it was for him.

So he leaves. Mostly because he's been thinking about it for the past few days. Months. Been pacing around his room, staring at the ceiling thinking about it. Shiro had a family that took care of him now, he had something to rely on that wasn't just Keith.

He always used to think that Shiro relied on him, even if he didn't know it. But now he sees that he relies on Shiro far too much as well. He sees that the only thing that's ever gotten him so far, broke him apart so much, was Shiro.

So when he came back and resumed his role as the leader of Voltron, Keith stepped back. He took the Blade's offer, he stepped into their ship and didn't turn back. Or, at least, didn't want to.

But life with the Blade was just as lonely. His life became strictly limited to training and sleeping and eating. The rare instances where he allowed himself to step out of protocol was when he risked his life on dangerous missions.

Visiting his previous team became both a treat and a punishment. He found himself smiling the most when he was with them again, found himself loathing himself the most afterwards. He was thankful that he didn't need to put on any fake smile for the Blade the next day, he never had to hide his suffering from any of the trained assassins.

He had just finished a rather strenuous mission when they got a call from Voltron assembling all allies to fight against the Galra once more. He listened with the full attention of a soldier, prepared his lethal weapons like the warrior he was trained to be.

He didn't expect to have time to check on the team before the mission. He also didn't expect to see Matt there.

Judging from his expression, Matt didn't expect to see him either. His eyes turned wide and Keith felt himself being hugged a second later. Matt asks him how he's been, Keith asks him where Shiro was.

Lance, Pidge, and Hunk are with him and they make their way through the castle and fill in the gaps of silence by talking. Matt talked about his time fighting with the rebellion and he made Keith talk about his training with the Blades. At one point, Matt made Keith talk about Shiro.

"So, you guys must be lucky to still be together in space, huh?" Matt laughed. "How are things with you guys?"

Keith pales visibly, tries not to answer. Tries not to make it obvious how he wished Matt never brought it up. But then Matt shuts up and then he turns to see Pidge giving him a weird look. He ignores it.

They haven't come across Shiro yet but Keith wanted to find him before they left for the battle. Keith wanted to make sure he was okay even though there wouldn't be any reason for him not to be.

He finds him in the control room and he is embracing Allura.

It wouldn't mean anything to Keith on any other instance except it's the same kind of embrace he used to give Keith. It shouldn't mean anything to him but he finds himself standing in the entrance, feet frozen and barely-concealable tears in his eyes threatening to fall.

They step back when they realize it's him, both laughing sheepishly and not meeting his or each other's eyes. Shiro asks why he was looking for them. Keith lies and says that they should better get in their lions, then he walks away himself and gets on his ship.

He can't cry now because he is on a mission. And if he cries, he might miss something. Might die. Might fail. Failing meant Shiro could possibly die, and he didn't want that even if the anger and betrayal in his chest made it hard to breathe.

He reminded himself that he wasn't allowed to feel betrayal, though. And that he wasn't allowed to feel anger. The only thing he was allowed to feel was happiness for his friend who was recovering and learning to open up and love people, even if it wasn't him. Even if it'll never be him.

When he heard Matt's voice in the comms, telling him how it was impossible to break the barrier, he didn't think.

He accelerated his ship and gripped the controls tightly, afraid he might change his mind otherwise.

Keith closed his eyes and waited for the impact. He stretched a second out like an hour and relived all the memories he's been reliving since his last day on Earth. Time has always been difficult for him, so it was fitting that he only found it useful in his last moments.

He thought about Shiro and all his playful kisses and warm smiles. All his dreams and aspirations. He thought about how he would live a long, meaningful life without him and grow to be old and raise a family. He thought about Shiro. Felt himself failing to suppress the tears.

They never kissed on that day in the desert.

They never made love in a cheap hotel room.

They never loved each other.

None of it ever happened. Keith told himself for the last time.

* * *

After Lotor had successfully disabled the barrier and the Galra forces surrendered, Keith slumped back to his seat.

He turned off communications after reassuring everyone that he was alright.

Letting the feelings overcome him, Keith squeezed his eyes shut and gave himself a moment of silence.

He didn't know how much time passed. A minute or two. He was never really good with time.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm dumping this here because I am a depressed, sleep-deprived mess.
> 
> Come cry with me @[ Tumblr](https://omegakeith.tumblr.com/)


End file.
